FRANKIE’S WAR

Frankie was buying drinks for the bar
When I first met him
He was already drunk but the bartender
Wanted him to stay a while longer
To get the most out of his generosity

Let me buy you a beer sir
He says to me
Then I want to tell you a little story…

Goddamn it
I was a fuckin’ ace
And I broke formation to
Save a bomber pilot…

Frankie repeats this story
Over and over
Stuck on the phrase
I broke formation
Like an old record or an old drunk
Sometimes gets stuck

At first he tells me as if I’m an officer
At his Court Marshall

He’s apologetic

I broke formation
I broke formation
I’m sorry
I broke formation
I couldn’t let him die alone
I dropped down from 37,000 feet
He said he was in trouble
And I knew I had to try
So
I broke formation
Did I mention how much I
Liked flying my F-14?

I loved it
I thought I was the best guy
In the air
I was meant to fly
But then I broke formation
To save his sorry ass

And Jesus you were
Dead
Before I even got there
You were dead
Before I could save you
But I couldn’t let you die alone

I can’t leave you alone
Now (still)
You bastard!
I broke formation for you
I put my ass on the line for YOU!
And you died
You were dead when I pulled out of
My 37,000 foot drop
You were dead before I pulled out
For you
God damn you!
I put my whole career on
The line for you
And I had nothing to show for my
Troubles
When I pulled out
Nothing
Nothing at all

Years later and
I’m still fighting the guilt
For what I did
I say it’s for killing gooks
But really
It’s for failing to rescue you
I wanted to save you
To swoop down from on high
And pluck you out of harms way
But I couldn’t do that
I couldn’t do that

Sir
I couldn’t do that
I broke formation
I disobeyed orders

Sure I got the medal of honor
But I couldn’t fly anymore

I bombed the hell out of
Hanoi and North Vietnam
I shot the hell out of their MIGs
And sent many of them spiraling down
To some ignoble death but

I couldn’t get past that day
Officer I wanted the VC to die
No questions asked
But I couldn’t get past that
Horrific moment
Please god let them all just die
DIE!

I don’t care what my part is
Or where I have to draw the line in the sand!
Just let me get through this

And our wing (starboard) was shot to hell
We had nothing to comfort or ease our landing
I said to my pilot Mark
We have to pull our chutes and
Let the chips fall where they may

And he said
Fuck that
That’s nothing
We’re going to land on the Kitty Hawk
Even if we have to flap our arms
To make it happen
And we did it
We did the impossible sir
We came in at two hundred knots
The landing almost killed us
The captain was so angry
I thought he was going to
Kill us
Everyone was trying to kill us
We weren’t having a very good day

Officer
I broke formation
I broke formation

The tears are running down Frankie’s cheeks now
He’s worked himself into a confessional frenzy
The bartender is looking askance at us
I make the sign of the phone to her
Hoping she’ll call a cab
Instead she brings the bill
Pushing it cautiously towards us
As if it might explode

Frankie pulls out a handful of bills
There’s maybe three or four hundred bucks
Laying on the bar
He says please help me sir
Giving me a pleading look that says
I was there for you once
Won’t you be there for me now?

I know he now thinks I’m the dead pilot
Sure I say and place a C note on the bill
Here I say as I hand him his money
Put this away before someone gets an idea
Thank you sir you know you’re all right

Then Frankie leans in close and looks me
In the eye
Sir
Can you forgive me for what I done?
His hand trembles
Threatening to spill his last drink
In this bar
Please?
Frankie is begging the dead pilot
For absolution
Sure I say
Sure I forgive you
You tried your best but it wasn’t meant to be
Sure Frankie sure

As I’m walking him towards the door
And the waiting cab
I think about the true horrors of war
How this man is still trapped
In the cockpit of a shot-to-hell F-14
Scared shitless knowing he’s cocked up
His naval career and then some
Wondering how they’ll get home
And what will be waiting for them
When/if they land

Frankie carries the ghosts of that mission
With him for all time
There is no escape for him
No where to hide
Not even at the bottom of a Continental
Maybe even death can’t take the sting away
Maybe this is what haunts Frankie
That the plaintive voice of that dying pilot
Will crackle in his ear for ever and ever

I wonder if this is the true cost of war
We ask so much of those who fight
For us even if they are only acting as agents
For our government
As long as we pay for these "adventures"
And as long as we elect those who
Will go along with these adventures
We will be complicit
Like Pilot
Unable to wash the
Blood from our hands or
The guilt from our conscience

Isn’t it about time
That we all
Broke formation


© RD Armstrong