THE BIG MATCH


a one act play


by Gary Beck


Characters:

Rick & Dina, a young married couple immersed in the age old battle of the sexes.

The play takes place in Rick and Dina's apartment. Rick and Dina both work and compete for job superiority. Their lifestyle consists of ongoing competition and betting on the results, generally lost by Rick, who is a poor sport.

As the play opens, Rick and Dina are preparing to watch a battle of the sexes tennis match on TV, between Vitas Gerulaitis and Martina Navratilova. The match represents the domestic battle that Rick and Dina go through daily. They've made a wager that the loser will do the household chores for a month. Further arguing when Rick derides Dina's feminism and self defense training leads to a mugging demonstration, in which Rick is humiliated. As the rivalry continues, Rick and Dina compete in their own `household olympics', an improvised set of competitive events, such as leg wrestling, paper clip chain making, and television tuning, with a wager that the loser will be the winner's slave for a month. Rick loses most of the events and squirms, cheats and manipulates in order to avoid admitting defeat.

Throughout the competition there is an ongoing exchange of barbs that punctuates the struggle for dominance in the relationship, which Dina generally wins. The sarcastic and insulting stream of comments provokes tempers and adds to tension, as Rick and Dina attempt to demonstrate their superiority over’ each other.

The play ends without a resolution to the eternal conflict between man and woman, but the couple exits to their common meeting ground, the bedroom, where they can find satisfaction together, despite the other alienations in their relationship.


The Big Match

(The apartment of Dina and Rick Brenner. They are middle class; both are working. She is 29, an advertising copywriter. He is 32, A retail chain store manager. Their apartment is spacious, comfortable and well-applianced.)Enter Rick, stealthily. He tiptoes to clock and resets it, then pretends to re-enter.)


Rick: I'm home, honey. I made it and it's only seven fifty-five.
Dina: (Offstage.) Be right there. (Enter Dina.) Hi, slimey. (Kisses him on cheek.)
Rick: I win the bet. I told you that I would this time, remember?
Dina: That's funny, I thought it was after eight already.
Rick: There's the clock. See for yourself.
Dina: (Looks, shakes her head in puzzlement.) I thought it was later. Let me call the time, just to double check.
Rick: Don't be petty. You lost. So stop squirming and get ready to honor your debt.
Dina: You're awfully eager to avoid a timecheck. It would be just like you to slink in like a weasel and reset the clock. (Dials time.) It's eight fourteen and thirty seconds, you low scum.
Rick: It was only a little joke. I was going to tell you the truth afterwards. I just wanted to show you how you always turn our bets into hassles.
Dina: I turn our bets into hassles! Why? Because I don't let you cheat? You've got a hell of a nerve. Besides, you're so dumb that you always get caught. What a loser.
Rick: You don't have to get personal.
Dina: Why not, loser? Don't you?
Rick: Not like that. I always try to be a graceful
winner.
Dina: You're not graceful and you're not a winner, but
there's no point in arguing with you. You're
certainly not going to give in.... I really thought
you were going to try harder....
Rick: What do you mean?
Dina: You know what I mean. When we realized that our marriage was getting shaky and we had to do something about it fast, you came up with your bright idea of betting, as a way of settling our disagreements.
Rick: What's wrong with it?
Dina: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. Now we spend all our time squabbling about the bets. Instead of feeling less tension, I find myself resenting you more and more for all the scheming and manipulating you do.
Rick: I don't do that! That's not fair!
Dina: You sure do! All the time! We haven't had one bet without your making it into a hassle and then you try to blame me.
Rick: Instead of resenting me, why don't you try talking about it? Maybe you'll get it out of your system.
Dina: With you? Don't make me laugh.
Rick: See! How do you expect to improve anything with that kind of attitude? When you try something new, you've gotta give it a fair chance.
Dina: It's been three months now and I'm tired of endlessly struggling with you over each bet. It's affecting my job, my feelings....
Rick: If you worried a little more about me and our marriage and a little less about your job....
Dina: You'd be a lot happier if I wasn't doing so well at the agency. Do you want to punish me because I have talent for copywriting and others recognize it?
Rick: I'm glad you’re doing well.
Dina: Does it bother you that I'm making more money than you do as a store manager?
Rick: No! No! It's not that at all. I don't care about the money. I'll be making a lot more than you will, when I get my promotion. It's something else.
Dina: What? My becoming more independent? That's it, isn't it? It's really freaking you out that I'm making it in the world on my own.
Rick: You're off your gourd! I want you to do well, but I'd like you to still be like the girl I married. Loving, caring about me, concerned with my job.
Dina: I am, sweetie. I just don't have the same amount of time that I used to. You can understand that, considering the hours that you put in at that old supermarket.
Rick: I work those hours because they're grooming me for district manager of all the stores in Manhattan. After that I'll be climbing the executive ladder to the top.
Dina: That's wonderful, hon. I'm all for you. But we've got to do something about our problems now. We've been married for six years and if you spend more energy resenting my success than you do solving our problems, we're in trouble.
Rick: I don't resent your success! I'd just like a little more consideration around here.
Dina: Well, so would I. Why don't we both promise to work harder at it.... Now let's have a nice, pleasant evening. What shall we do tonight?
Rick: I don't know. What's on tv?
Dina: I'll look at the guide. (Opens paper to tv page.) Not much, just a bunch of detective shows.
Rick: It's incredible that the worse crime gets, the more cop shows they put on tv, to reassure everybody that we're being protected.
Dina: Wait a minute. That tennis match is on between Martina and Vitas Gerulaitis.
Rick: That sounds good. Let's watch him crush her.
Dina: He won't crush her. She'll run him off the court.
Rick: Of course he will. Any top ranked man could beat her.
Dina: She beat him in that battle of the sexes doubles match, that the women won. They proved their superiority.
Rick: The hell they did. That wasn't a real test, not like this. He'll blow her off the court.
Dina: Don't be silly. He's not good enough. He's over the hill.
Rick: He is not. He's still a young guy.
Dina: He couldn't beat anyone, especially Martina.
Rick: Yeah? I bet he demolishes her.
Dina: What do you want to bet?
Rick: The loser does all the household chores for a month; cooking, cleaning, everything.
Dina: You've got a bet. And no arguments or disputes if you lose.
Rick: No problem. Let's just have a good time.
Dina: Should I make some popcorn?
Rick: Sure. Don't forget to put butter on it.
Dina: No butter for you Mr. Pig. Do you want another notch in your belt?
Rick: A little butter won’t make me fat.
Dina: Anything makes you fat, Mr. P. That's what happens when you start getting old. You lose that inner hardness and everything begins to melt and becomes lard.
Rick: Crap. I've been working long hours and I don't get much time for exercise, but I'm not fat and I'm not getting old!
Dina: Not yet, but you'll get there. You always used to find time for exercise no matter how tired you were, until you started getting soft. (Pokes Rick.)
Rick: I'm not getting soft!
Dina: What is it now? Did I offend my sensitive little boy?
Rick: Cut that Mr. P. crap. It's not funny.
Dina: It's not meant to be funny. I'm just trying to remind you about your diet. You asked me to keep reminding you, remember.
Rick: Not the way you're doing it. I didn't ask you to be an agitator all the time.
Dina: Did I hurt your feelings?.... Did I upset my baby? Sorry sweetheart.
Rick: Do you remember what Mr. Weston said? No abusive name calling. It was your bright idea to see a marriage counselor, so you could at least do what he tells you.
Dina: He also said no lying or cheating, as long as we're still trying to use betting as a way to let off steam and solve problems. You seem to have conveniently forgotten that, Mr. Righteousness.
Rick: Enough's enough! Now do you want to watch this match
together or not? If you do, stop being a smart ass, ‘cause you're really getting me annoyed.
Dina: Of course I want us to watch it together. We still have a bet, don't we, or are you chickening out?
Rick: I'm not chickening out, smart ass. This'll be the easiest bet I ever won from you. When I watch you doing all the household chores for the next month, I'll sit back like a big-assed prince and enjoy myself.
Dina: Well, don't sit back on your expanding ass yet, sweet prince. You're not going to win this one.
Rick: This one's a shoo in.
Dina: That's what you think.
Rick: I don't think, I know.
Dina: What makes you think you know so much?
Rick: Common sense and knowledge of the record. A man's stronger than a woman, right?
Dina: So's a gorilla, but a woman's smarter.
Rick: Crap. All the great inventors are men, aren't they? I bet you can't name one famous woman inventor.
Dina: Madame Curie.
Rick: Oh Yeah, I heard of her. What'd she do again? I forget.
Dina: She invented radium, you jerk. The stuff that makes wristwatches glow in the dark, so you can see what time it is when your cleaning the house late at night. You'll need it after I win our bet.
Rick: Fat chance. I can prove that a man's smarter than a woman and has more endurance. In all the big tennis tournaments men always play three out of five sets, while women only play two out of three.
Dina: That doesn't prove anything. A lot of women's matches have long rallies and they don't want the spectators to get tired. Besides, Martina played a five setter with Chrissie. What other proof do you have?
Rick: A long time ago Bobby Riggs beat the best woman tennis player in the world, didn't he? He steamrollered her, and he was an old guy in his sixties, twice her age.
Dina: She was probably nervous and didn't play well. It could have happened to any athlete. And when he tried again, when Billie Jean King was number one, she crushed him, just like the women crushed the men in the battle of the sexes doubles match.
Rick: They'd have choked if they had to face two of the top ranked men.
Dina: No they wouldn't. And Gerulaitis was ranked in the top fifty.
Rick: A lot you know, Ms. Sports Expert.
Dina: I know as much about tennis as you do, Mr. P., maybe more. I always beat you, don't I?
Rick: That's because I don't have time to practice anymore.
Dina: I could always beat you, even when you were in practice.
Rick: Not all the time.
Dina: Sure. Maybe if you caught me some morning when I was getting my period, or if I was hung over from the night before, you might beat me.
Rick: Crap.
Dina: Is that all you can say? I hope Gerulaitis can do better than that.
Rick: He'll slaughter Martina, the way he hits those big groundstrokes and volleys.
Dina: His net game stinks; he's too old and his name sounds like some kind of unpleasant disease.
Rick: Very funny. He's got a great net game and a classic backcourt game. If Martina tries to rush the net he'll beat her with his passing shots. He'll smack the old ball right up her you know what.
Dina: Don't be vulgar. Martina's not afraid to go to the net. She's got the best volley in woman's tennis.
Rick: Yeah. It. may be alright in girl’s town, but my man will pass her all day long.
Dina: Your man?
Rick: Yeah, he's my man! I like him. Riggs is coaching him and he's always got an angle. He's always thinking up a new gimmick. He's a great hustler.
Dina: Hustling and angles won't win today. It'll have to be done fair and square on the court, like everybody else.
Rick: What are you talking about? Riggs just looked out for himself. He knew no one else would.
Dina: That's ridiculous. The officials are there to make sure that both players have an equal chance.
Rick: That's what you say.
Dina: That's what the rules are for.
Rick: Ha! Rules!
Dina: Yes, rules. If you learned more about the rules of good manners we'd get along a lot better around here.
Rick: What do you mean by that?
Dina: You know what I mean. You always get aggressive and try to push me around when we talk.
Rick: No I don't. What about you? You're always making derogatory remarks about me.
Dina: You did it first.
Rick: The hell I did! Who started calling me Mr. Pig!
Dina: I was trying to be helpful and remind you to diet.
Rick: You can take that kind of help and shove it.
Dina: You're so nasty. You always get abusive and insulting.
Rick: You're a fine one to talk, with all the namecalling you do. I've got to stand up for myself or I get walked on.
Dina: It's one thing to be defensive, but you don't have to be an animal all the time.
Rick: What's the difference?
Dina: There's a big difference, and if you weren't such a low brute you'd understand. (Starts to rush out. Rick stops her.)
Rick: Don't take everything personally. Calm down.... I didn't mean to get you upset.
Dina: Why shouldn't I take it personally? You meant it personally. You said it to me, didn't you? You can spoil anything.
Rick: Let's just relax. Let's forget about arguing and get ready for the match. Okay?
Dina: Then don't be such a bully.
Rick: Alright. Alright.... Shall we review our bet before the match starts?
Dina: I don't care.
Rick: Stop sulking and let's write it down so there's no confusion later, okay? Do you want to write?
Dina: I don't feel like it.
Rick: Come on. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
Dina: Alright. But don't be so nasty.
Rick: I won't. I promise. Now the bet is the loser does all the household chores for a whole month. All of them. Garage, laundry, dishes, shopping, the works. But no making deliberate work, right? And no excuses except by special arrangement.
Dina: Agreed. Anything else?
Rick: I picked the man and you picked the girl. Let the best man win.
Dina: Or woman.
Rick: That was just a figure of speech.
Dina: I noticed who it favors, but you'll change it when she wins.
Rick: Do you really think she has a chance?
Dina: I certainly do. That's why I made the bet in the first place.
Rick: Do you want to increase the bet?
Dina: To what?
Rick: Let me think about it for a minute.
Dina: We could discuss it, but I think a month is enough, don't you? That's a long time.
Rick: It's not just the bet that I want to think about. There's something else.... It's your attitude. I really saw something clearly for the first time today.
Dina: What?
Rick: How much you've changed since you started going to all those feminist meetings. You're becoming a real woman's libber, aren't you?
Dina: Does it threaten you?
Rick: No. Not me. Not at all. Why should it threaten me?
Dina: It shouldn't. Not if you can accept that I have an identity of my own.
Rick: That's fine with me. As far as I'm concerned you can join the C.I.A. and get as many identities as you like.
Dina: There you go again.
Rick: I didn't do anything.
Dina: You were being provocative.
Rick: Don't be so touchy.... What do you do at those meetings? You've been going three times a week for over a year.
Dina: At least I do more than just work and come home and fall asleep watching basketball on television all the time.
Rick: You don't know how much the job takes out of me. Besides, it's not all the time. Basketball's only on a few months a year.
Dina: Then you sleep through some other sports thriller. Do you know how many times I've seen you snoring on the couch, while your favorite hockey team was being beaten by the polar bears, or sea lions, or some other arctic creatures?
Rick: It's the Penguins. If you ever worked as hard as I do, you'd understand. I do it for us, so we can live better. But a lot you care.
Dina: I care, honey. You know I do. That's why I keep working. I know how hard you work and that it really exhausts you, but there has to be more than just working and sleeping.
Rick: We go out regularly. Do you want to party every night?
Dina: That's not what I mean. It's important for us to understand who we are and where we're going.
Rick: Well, I'm Rick and you're Dina and we spend a lot of time listening to you gas away about philosophy and social issues.
Dina: I'm trying to find a more meaningful conception of life. I don't want to live like a vegetable and end up in a retirement home in Florida, sitting in front of a tv set day and night.
Rick: What do you want to do, become the first woman President of the United States of America?
Dina: No. Don't be ridiculous. I'm just telling you what worries me. That's why I stay active with the women's group. They keep me involved.
Rick: What do you do with them?
Dina: I go to concerts, films, group discussions, self defense classes.
Rick: Self defense? No kidding? You do karate. (Strikes a pose and does chops and kicks) You must be real dangerous these days.
Dina: They're trying to teach us to defend ourselves in street situations.
Rick: I can just see you in a street situation. If some big guy came up to you with a knife you'd stain your panties and faint.
Dina: Why do you always have to be so crude and vulgar? Sure I'd be scared, who wouldn't? But I could deal with it a lot better than I used to. We've practiced lots of different situations. You'd be surprised at what I could deal with.
Rick: Like what?
Dina: Say a twelve or thirteen year old kid tried to rob me with a knife. You read about that kind of robbery happening more and more these days. I think I could handle him.
Rick: Sure you could. Ha, ha, ha. You could handle him real well, if he ordered you to rub his balls.
Dina: You're such an asshole sometimes.
Rick: You don't expect me to believe that you could take the kid's knife away, do you?
Dina: I didn't say I could take it away. But I wouldn't panic. I could yell and scare him, then run away.
Rick: What if he chases you?
Dina: He'd probably be too scared.
Rick: Who feeds you this crap, the dykes you've been hanging around with? The kid would cut your horns off if you tried to resist.
Dina: You're so gross. You've got such a filthy mouth. Those women are doing things, while everybody else is just talking. They're serving their community. If you had any brains you'd respect them for trying to help others, instead of insulting them. And as for that kid, if he wouldn't let me go, I think I could disarm him.
Rick: You've got a loose wheel somewhere. Knives are sharp. You get hurt when they poke into you. They make a mess you know, real blood, not the monthly kind that you're used to seeing.
Dina: It's not as difficult as you might think, if you're trained. I think I could do it.
Rick: That's what you say now, but if you met him some dark night you'd be so scared that you wouldn't know what to do.
Dina: What do you want to bet?
Rick: Huh?
Dina: Put your money where your mouth is.
Rick: What are you talking about?
Dina: It's time for you to put up or shut up. Now do you want proof?
Rick: How the hell would we find out? Do you expect me to go out and pick up a twelve year old mugger and bring him home for you to disarm?
Dina: No.
Rick: I didn't think so.
Dina: I've got a better idea. What if I demonstrate on you?
Rick: Me?
Dina: Why not? You're a lot bigger than a twelve year old kid. If it works on you it should work on him, right?
Rick: No. It's entirely different. I couldn't do anything that might hurt you.
Dina: It's just a simple demonstration. I won't get hurt... (Rick shakes his head no.) Are you afraid to try?
Rick: Don't be ridiculous. I'm worried about you.
Dina: Don't worry about me. I'll be alright. Now are you going to take the bet, or not?
Rick: Alright. What's the bet?
Dina: The bet is that I could disarm you if you were a twelve year old mugger with a knife. The winner picks all the television programs for two weeks. Agreed?
Rick: Agreed. (They shake hands.) Where do we do it?
Dina: We can do it right here. Let's just clear a little more working room so we can move around. (Rick and Dina move some furniture out of the way.)
Rick: What next, Bruce Lee?
Dina: Watch your mouth.... I'll get something we can use for a knife. (Exit Dina. Rick stabs various enemies until Dina reenters. ) Practicing, killer? Here's you knife.
Rick: A carrot?
Dina: Do you want a bayonet with blood grooves?
Rick: This'll do. What happens next?
Dina: I'll be walking home alone, late at night and you jump out of the bushes and confront me with the knife.
Rick: Where are you coming from?
Dina: What difference does it make?
Rick: It'll determine what you're wearing or carrying and tell me how to approach you.
Dina: The kid wouldn't care. All he knows is what he sees. Now stop talking and let's do it.
Rick: How do you want me to hold the knife?
Dina: Any way you like. Ready?
Rick: I guess so. (Rick lurks in the bushes. Dina walks by. Rick steps out, yells and with upraised knife stabs down. Dina yells: "Hai", grabs the descending knife wrist with one hand, pivots, puts the other arm between Rick’s arm and chest in the armpit, and spins Rick to the ground. Rick yells with surprise, lets out a whoosh as he hits the ground, then groans.)
Dina: Got you, mugger. I win the bet.
Rick: No you didn't, I slipped. (Gets up slowly.) It doesn't count. I was wearing the wrong kind of shoes for this. Let me take them off and we'll do it over.
Dina: I wouldn't want you to get hurt.
Rick: I won’t get hurt. Now let's do it again. (Rick removes his shoes and hides in the bushes. Dina walks by. Rick screams, charges at her with a lunge. Dina grasps the knife wrist as it approaches her, pulls Rick past her, knees him in the groin as he goes by, and chops him on the neck when he’s passed. Rick collapses.) Ow, ow. My balls. You ruined me. Ow, ow.
Dina: Are you alright, honey? I didn't mean to hurt you. Everything happened so quickly that I just reacted. Is there anything I can do?
Rick: Leave me alone. I'll be alright....
Dina: Well, there's no doubt this time. I win the bet.
Rick: Only because I didn't want to hurt you. If it was someone else there instead of you, I would have sliced her like a watermelon. I told you that I wouldn't be able to do anything that might injure you. I just couldn't function violently, knowing it was you.
Dina: Why can't you just admit that you lost?
Rick: Cause I didn't lose. But I don't want to waste my time debating with you. Let's try something else that we can both do with an equal chance, where I won't worry about hurting you.
Dina: Why do we have to do anything?
Rick: Because it's time to deal with this new independence trip that's making you so pushy. You seem to think you're so capable and in good shape, right?
Dina: I've been working on things and making some progress.
Rick: Do you have the nerve to demonstrate your ability?
Dina: How?
Rick: Let's try something else and bet on it.
Dina: Why do we have to try something else? Can't we let it drop here? We made a bet and you lost. Let's not make a big deal out of it.
Rick: That's not the point. There's a principle at stake here.
Dina: What are you talking about?
Rick: If we let things drop like this, you'll start thinking that you can swashbuckle around here, knocking me around whenever you feel like it.
Dina: That's absurd, Rick.
Rick: Is it?
Dina: Yes! I'm not like that and you know it.
Rick: I'm not sure what you're like anymore.
Dina: Don't be like that. Your pride is hurt because I threw you and you're saying things that you don't really mean. You know I love and respect you. We may be having some conflicts, but that doesn't mean that there's anything fundamentally wrong with our relationship.
Rick: It's not that simple. I'm learning how competitive you are. You call me a killer, but you're relentless. Once you think you have an edge, you go right for the jugular. You want to win at any cost.
Dina: That's not true.
Rick: Yes it is. That's why you're so fierce when we start something. And that's why you only like to do things you can win.
Dina: That sounds like you're describing yourself, not me.
Rick: Oh yeah? I bet on things that favor you, just to make sure that you always have a fair chance.
Dina: Well, so do I.
Rick: Are you willing to show your fairness?
Dina: Sure.
Rick: Remember earlier we talked about doing something that would test your ability.
Dina: Yes. What of it?
Rick: Well, I thought of what we could do.
Dina: What?
Rick: Arm wrestling.
Dina: That just takes brute strength. What kind of contest is that?
Rick: It takes skill like anything else. Are you chicken?
Dina: I'll try it, but it's hardly fair. What'll we bet?
Rick: The loser pays for dinner at a restaurant of the winner's choice.
Dina: Alright, Mr. P. I'm ready.
Rick: Lie down here. (Rick and Dina lie down full-length on the floor, face to face, clasp hands, with forearms off the ground.) Ready? (Dina nods yes. They begin. Grunting and straining. It’s a real struggle and Rick finally pins her arm after a great effort.) I win!
Dina: Not by much. And I bet that if I practiced for a while....
Rick: It's a win any way you look at it, loud and clear. Do you want a rematch?
Dina: Yes, but we'll do something else.... Let's leg wrestle. Do you remember how?
Rick: Yeah. That sounds good to me. I haven't done that since I went to camp. What's the bet?
Dina: The loser pays all car expenses for a month.
Rick: You're on. Get into position. (Rick and Dina lie down on the floor, heads away from each other, cross legs.) Ready? One, two, three. (Dina quickly pins Rick.) I wasn't ready. Start again.
Dina: You were too. I won.
Rick: No I wasn't. Let's do it over.
Dina: You're the world's poorest sport. (Rick sulks.) Alright, baby. We’ll do it over.
Rick: Ready? One, Two, Three, go. (They leg wrestle again. Dina pins Rick.)
Dina: You lose, sucker. Any more excuses this time?
Rick: I didn't plan to do anything like this and my head wasn't really in it.
Dina: That sounds pretty puny to me, especially since I've been secretly practicing leg wrestling for months.
Rick: I wouldn't put it past you.... It's time we did something to settle this challenge, once and for all.
Dina: Listen, honey, let's stop before this goes too far.
Rick: How could it go too far? Besides, your marriage counselor thought we should try betting for a while.
Dina: He's our counselor, not just mine. You agreed to see him.
Rick: Yeah, but you picked him. Now let's get on with it. Let's do something to clear the air, that'll show that men still rule the roost.
Dina: Alright. If you really want to find out where things are at, let's have a special competition.
Rick: What kind?
Dina: Something that'll give us equal chances, but prove that women are as good as men....
Rick: Keep dreaming....
Dina: I've got it. We'll have a household olympics with different events and each event will be worth points.
Rick: What kind of events could we have?
Dina: We'll make them up as we go along. We'll take turns picking the events and we'll both decide how many points each event is worth.
Rick: Sounds alright to me. How do we do it?
Dina: We can do anything that can be done by two people, right here in the apartment, just using what we find lying around.
Rick: What's the bet?
Dina: The winner will be the ruler and the loser will be the slave for one whole month.
Rick: That's a long time. Why don't we make it one week?
Dina: Getting nervous? What happened to that bold male chauvinist? One full month, loser.... Is it a bet?
Rick: You're on.
Dina: Let's try not to debate every score. We'll both be the sporting committee and resolve questions about rules or points. Agreed?
Rick: Sure. And we can pick anything we want?
Dina: Anything. As long as we both have a fair chance. Do you want to go first?
Rick: No, you start.
Dina: Then for the first event I pick book balancing. One point per book.
Rick: What's that?
Dina: Balancing as many books as you can on your head. That should be easy for you, flathead.
Rick: I can remember when well-bred girls used to practice book balancing in charm school. Maybe we could send you there for a crash course, when you're through with the dyke academy.
Dina: You're still running off at the mouth. Why don't you button up.... (Dina gets books from the bookcase.) Now you can use as many books as you want. Each should be about the same size, and you have to walk from here to there without using your hands. You get one point per book and a point for style. We get one trial run. I'll start. (Dina tries six books and does it easily.) Here I go for money. (Dina tries eight and does it easily.) Not bad, huh sport? That's eight points. Do I get one for style? (Rick nods yes.) That's nine. (Writes on pad.) It's your turn.
Rick: (Rick tries five books and drops them immediately.) Damn.
Dina: What's the matter? Are the books too slippery, or is it your pointy head?
Rick: Nothing's the matter.
Dina: This is hard to do. Try it with only two books...Two points is better than none.
Rick: I didn't tell you how to do it. (Rick tries to balance seven but they fall as soon as he lets go. Rick picks up books.) This is my try. (He tries four. They fall immediately.) Shit!
Dina: Watch your language. Don't forget the spirit of good sportsmanship. You got nothing. The score after the first event is nine to zero. I lead.
Rick: I pick the event.... We'll toss cards in a hat. We each get twenty-six cards, one point for every card you get in the hat. Leaners don't count. No trial run. We do it cold.... You get the cards and I'll get the hat. (Rick and Dina set up the game.) Watch this. (Rick tosses his cards and gets three.) That's a lousy score. My eyes must be tired.
Dina: Yeah. I'll get you a seeing eye dog for the next event. Well, here I go. (Dina tosses her cards and gets eleven.) That's eleven. I'll keep a running total of the scores.
Rick: I get one for style.
Dina: Sure, champ. After two events I lead by the score of twenty to four. It's my pick.... We'll do sofa flips. You have to do different kinds of rolls; forward, back, shoulder. Each roll is worth five points. We'll take turns rolling. (Dina goes to the sofa and executes a neat forward roll.) That's five. Your turn.
Rick: (Rick does a clumsy side flop.) Five.
Dina: That was more of a collapse than a roll. (Dina does a shoulder roll.) Ten.
Rick: (Rick does another clumsy side flop.) Ten.
Dina: That was the same kind of roll you did the first time.
Rick: Like hell it was. The first one was a forward roll. This one was a side roll. They're distinctly different.
Dina: Not that I could tell, but I don't feel like arguing. (Dina does a backward roll.) Fifteen.
Rick: (Rick does the same roll he did before.) Fifteen.
Dina: Cut it out, Rick. That's the same roll you did twice before.
Rick: No it wasn't. It was a shoulder roll. They look real similar, so if you're not concentrating it's hard to tell the difference. You obviously weren't watching carefully.
Dina: We may as well call this event a tie. You could keep flopping like a sack of potatoes all night long. The score's thirty-five to nineteen.
Rick: I should get a extra point for technique, but I won't quibble. Let's do push-ups. Elbows touching your side, knees off the floor and you gotta go up all the way. One point for each one.
Dina: I don't know if I can do push-ups without my knees touching the ground, but I'll try.
Rick: (Rick starts and has trouble by the third. He barely makes the fourth and doesn’t finish the fifth.)
Dina: That’s the spirit…. Count for me. One. Two.... Three.... Three and a half.... Four... You got four.... Four and a quarter... Keep going, Mighty Mouse.... Four and a third.... Get it up.... Four and a third.... (Rick collapses.) That's it.
Rick: (Huffing and puffing.) if.... You.... Didn't.... Distract me the way you counted.... I could've done more.
Dina: Well, Hercules, I'll give you the last one, so that's five.
Rick: What do you mean give? I earned five. I should also get one for style.
Dina: Alright, weasel, you've got six. My turn. (Dina gets down and does eight before slowing, and finishes with ten. Rick deliberately miscounts.)
Rick: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, seven, eight.... Pretty good.
Dina: I did ten, you louse.
Rick: What are you talking about? I counted each one aloud, loud and clear, and you did eight.
Dina: You're a dirty cheat and you always try to get away with something.
Rick: Hey, no name calling. You should show good sportsmanship, win or lose.
Dina: Just like you do, right?.... But the score is forty-three for me; twenty-five for you. It's my turn to pick the event. I pick shadow puppets that you make with your hands on the wall.
Rick: I can't do that! That's not fair!
Dina: You've got as much of a chance as I do. Why don't you try it?
Rick: Pick something else that we can both do.
Dina: Alright.... We'll make paper clip chains. You have to clip together as many as you can in thirty seconds. One point for every five clips.
Rick: Get the clips. (Dina gets clips.) This'll be a snap for me. It's basic hand to eye coordination....
Dina: Let's see if you do as well as you talk.... We both have a pile and we'll use the clock. I'll count three, two, one, go and we start. I'll say stop when the time is over. Alright? (Rick nods yes.) Ready?
Rick: Yes, and raring to go.
Dina: Three, two, one, go! (They both work on their chains, Dina is obviously doing better. Rick is cursing and complaining.) The time is up. Stop.... Stop! Rick! Those last two don't count.
Rick: Yes they do. I started a little later than you did.
Dina: You never change.... I've got to hand it to you; you're always consistent, always conniving.
Rick: Do you want to be abusive, or count the score?
Dina: I'd like to get an honest count, just once, but I guess that's out of the question. I've got twenty-nine.
Rick: I've got fifteen. So you get five and I get three.
Dina: I should at least get a half point for the last four clips.
Rick: You said `one point for five clips'. That's your rule. You made it and you didn't say anything about points for less than five clips. Now let's abide by the rules.
Dina: You're infuriating.... I love the way you interpret the rules.... The score is Dina forty-eight, Rick twenty-eight. You pick the next event.
Rick: I've got a great one, this time. It was made for me. I pick broomstick balancing.... You take the wooden handle of a broom or mop and balance it on your palm. You get ten points if you do it long enough. Get the mop handle. (Exit Dina and gets mop. Rick. Aside.) I'll get ten points here and pick another winner next time, then win the old ball game in a walk. (Dina enters and gives mop to Rick.) You get two tries and you have to balance the handle long enough to count to three. Watch this. (Rick starts, begins to wobble and counts three very quickly.) One, two, three.
Dina: That was a very quick count.
Rick: No it wasn’t. Besides, that was only a trial run. Now for the real thing. (Once again the handle wobbles and Rick counts quickly.) One, two, three.
Dina: You did it again. You just zipped through that count. you have to do it slowly.
Rick: I did it right and I get ten points. Let's see what you can do.
Dina: (Takes handle, balances it, and slowly counts.) One, Two, Three. (Then balances it on one finger.) There. I should get extra points for that.
Rick: There were no extra points in this event, so that's all you get.
Dina: You're the oiliest character in the whole world. You just ooze.... If we had a jury watching this they'd suspend you.... The score now is me fifty-eight, you thirty-eight and it's my choice of event. We'll run a steeplechase course around the apartment worth twenty-five points. Whoever finishes with the best time wins. In fact, this'll give you one last chance, ‘cause whoever wins this event wins the big match.
Rick: That's fine with me. That's where a true winner shows his stuff, at the finish line. Where's the course?
Dina: We'll start here with two somersaults on the floor; then we crawl under the coffee table; then stand on the arm chair on one leg; then crawl up, across and down the sofa; then unscrew the hot light bulb from this lamp and put it back; then write on the mirror in lipstick `I'm number one' and yell it aloud; then flush the toilet and spray air freshener; then raise the venetian blind to the exact height of the window lock; then pick up the phone with your hand and dial with your foot; then tune channel nine to a clear picture; then end the course with a backward somersault back here to the starting line.
Rick: You're too much. If I didn't know better I'd think you started planning this a couple of years ago with the U.S. Olympic committee. You better run that list by me again.
Dina: I'll write it down for you as I go through the course.
Rick: Make sure you print clearly. I can't read chicken scratching.
Dina: You'll be able to read it, airhead, and I'll prompt you when you forget.
Rick: I don't need prompting. I'll remember.
Dina: I'll run through it again, real slow. You start here with two somersaults.... Crawl under the coffee table.... Stand on the armchair on one leg.... Crawl up, across and down the sofa.... Unscrew the hot light bulb and put it back....
Rick: Only a fuzz brain like you could think of something like that....
Dina: You belch more hot air than Mount Saint Helens. May I continue without your low brow comments? (Rick nods.) Write `I'm number one' on the mirror in lipstick, then yell it.... Flush toilet and spray air freshener.... Raise the venetian blind to exactly the height of the window lock.... Pick up the phone with your hand and dial with your foot....
Rick: The queen of the apes should do real good at that....
Dina: The king of the pigs will be roast pork if he doesn't shut his big, polluted mouth.... Tune channel nine to a clear picture....
Rick: That's not fair. You know you're the only one who can do that.
Dina: Alright. We'll drop television tuning as an olympic event. The obstacles course ends with a somersault from the phone to the original starting line. Everything clear? (Rick nods yes.) I'm ready to start. (Dina starts and moves through the course quickly and efficiently.) Sixty-eight seconds. Let's see how well you do, chubby.
Rick: Where were you counting from? You started at five after. That makes your time seventy-eight seconds, not sixty-eight. I gotta watch you all the time.
Dina: One day I'm going to pet you with a hot knife, butterball. Seventy-eight seconds it is. Ready to start waddling? I'll reset everything.
Rick: I'll read through the list one more time. (Rick gestures and comments as he reads the list aloud.)
Dina: Everything's set.
Rick: Here I go then. (Rick flops hard on the first somersault and harder on the second. He bangs his head on the coffee table, falls off the chair, scrapes his knee on the couch, burns his hand on the lightbulb, forgets to write ‘I’m number one’ on the mirror, knocks down the Venetian blind, sprains his ankle dialing the phone and crawls across the finish line without doing a somersault, huffing, puffing and moaning.) What's my time?
Dina: Three minutes and twenty seconds. Too bad you weren't running the mile.
Rick: Everything hurts.
Dina: You didn't do too well, sport.
Rick: I finished, didn't I? Your count doesn't sound right to me.
Dina: It was right. If you prefer, you can go again and we won't count the first run.... You didn't even do everything.
Rick: I sure did.
Dina: You sure didn't write `I'm number one’, or do the last somersault to the finish line.
Rick: Are you blind? I did it and did the somersault.
Dina: If you wrote `I'm number one", where is it? Show it to me.
Rick: I wrote it right over yours, so there would be less of a mess to clean later. You just missed the last somersault.
Dina: I missed it? You're the biggest greaseball in the universe. But despite all your cheating, I won, fair and square. The final score is, (Sings the fanfare.) Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, Eighty-three to thirty-eight. (Dina sits in a chair.) Now bring me a drink, my faithful slave, then fan me.
Rick: Wait a minute. There's something wrong with all this.
Dina: Don't give me that. The only thing wrong is that you lost.
Rick: I wouldn't care about losing, not if I had a fair chance, but I didn't and it wasn't a fair contest.
Dina: What do you mean, it wasn't fair? It couldn't have been fairer. You had the same chance I did and you know it.
Rick: No I didn't. I was real tired and my shoulder was bothering me. I wasn't ready for any kind of activity like this.
Dina: Why didn't you say that before we started?
Rick: I didn't think you were really serious about all this, until we started. Then it was too late to say anything without giving you your chance to do things.... So I did everything at half speed, ‘cause I didn't want to injure myself. I was afraid I'd get hurt if I took chances and went all out, without the proper physical warm-up.
Dina: That sounds like one of your typical evasions. What are you trying to say?
Rick: I wasn't ready and we shouldn't count this time. If you really want to, we can do it some other time, when I'm ready, and it'll be a real match.
Dina: You made a bet and lost. Now you want to renege?
Rick: That's another thing. I'm getting tired of all our betting. It doesn't seem to settle anything and it always leads to more arguing.
Dina: You're getting tired of betting? That's outrageous! You lost! You lost! And I'm not letting you ooze you way out of it this time!
Rick: Come on, Dina, don't be a ballbuster.
Dina: Sure. Try your sexist namecalling. I'm so angry that I could punch you right in the mouth.
Rick: I don't want to struggle with you anymore. Instead of fighting, how about giving me a massage? My shoulder's killing me and I'd feel a lot better if you gave me one of your special treatments.
Dina: I'd like to give you a special treatment, in a vat of boiling oil! It serves you right for cheating. Suffer.
Rick: Don't be like that, honey. I ache all over. I need your golden hands soothing me; rubbing away my pain.... Be nice.... Help me.... Please....
Dina: You're too much. Talk about shameless.
Rick: Let's not fight any more, hon.... We'll stop betting and that way we won't irritate each other. Agreed? (Dina begrudgingly nods yes. They shake hands.)
Dina: I'm glad you're finally being sensible. That betting was driving me mad.
Rick: Friends again. (Dina nods yes.) Then how about the massage?.... Pretty please?
Dina: Every time I massage you, Mr. P., you get hard. Then one thing leads to another and you forget your aches and pains and want sex.... Your sudden powers of recuperation should be a feature in Amazing Stories.
Rick: It won't happen this time, I swear, I'm too sore and tired. All I want to do is lie down and get rid of these aches. I'm beat.
Dina: That's what you always say, until I start....
Rick: Aw, come on.... Please.... You know how much I need your magic fingers...
Dina: You may be the world's slimiest human, but I've got to admit that you've been a pretty good lover at times. I guess I could do it just once more, for old time's sake.... Let's get you on your back, champ. You were almost a contender. (They start exiting.) Hey, we almost forgot about the tennis match. It's on in a few minutes.
Rick: Let's get comfortable and watch it in bed.
Dina: Sure, pasha. You better get all the rest you can. But don't get accustomed to the style that you won't be living in.
Rick: Yeah? When Gerulaitis wins, you'll be working for me like a coolie.
Dina: Rick! You said no more betting.
Rick: Just this last one. We already made it.
Dina: Your repentance didn't last very long.
Rick: There won't be anymore after this. I promise.
Dina: What a hardhead. You have to go out a loser, don't you?
Rick: After he squashes her, I think I'll put a Japanese rock garden in the living room and you can entertain me by polishing the stones.
Dina: Dream on, chump. The only rock garden we'll ever have around here will be between your ears. Now if you still want your massage while we're friends, get moving, or I'll polish your head with my fists. (Dina affectionately bops Rick on the head as they exit.) (Blackout.)

The End



© Gary Beck


Bio: I am a theater director of the classics, and new
plays. The Big Match was produced at Sidewalks
Theater and was performed at several theater
festivals. My translations of Molière, Aristophanes and
Sophocles, as well as my own plays, have been
extensively produced off-Broadway. A number of my
one-act plays have recently been published in Elimae,
Istanbul Literature Review, Gold Dust Magazine, Clever
Magazine and The 2nd Hand. My poetry has appeared in
dozens of literary magazines. Recent fiction
publications include 3AM Magazine, EWG Presents,
Nuvein Magazine, The Vincent Brothers Review,
L'Intrigue Magazine, Dogwood Journal, Bibliophilos and
many other magazines. garycbeck@yahoo.com